As we reflect on grief, we want to consider how we can be a help and support to others in their times of grief. Supporting another person can be very hard. It is uncomfortable to be with another person in a moment of emotional pain. But this is what God has called us to do. There are some things we can keep in mind to help us offer effective support to a friend or family member.
First, be aware of your own discomfort. The more we own and are aware of our own feelings of discomfort the better we can manage those feelings. When we are with a friend who is emotional, tearful, and talking about difficult things the temptation is to help them feel better so that we can get out of the uncomfortable situation. We want to fix the situation or fix how the other person feels. But this can actually do more harm than good. It sends the message to our friend that their grief and emotional pain is better kept to themselves. It says, unintentionally, that I am not a safe person to share those feelings with. However, if I can manage my own discomfort, I may be able to stay in the moment and really be present.
Second, the urge to say something can be very powerful. Sometimes a grieving friend will not say anything for a while. The silence can be very difficult to navigate. So, the impulse to say something and fill what feels like empty silence. But that silence may not be empty or useless. It may be just what our friend needs. The silence allows them to process what they are experiencing and their feelings, and it helps to have a friend nearby who cares for them. It feels safer to deal with big feelings while someone is close by. But if I start to talk too soon then the opportunity may be lost.
Finally, when we do speak it is important not to say something that will deepen their pain. It comes back to the urge to fix the problem, I think if I can say the right thing maybe I can help my friend feel better. But the most important thing may not be feeling better at that moment. The most important thing may be for our friend to have a safe and open space to share what they are feeling. Perhaps in words, perhaps through tears, and maybe with silence they will express what they are feeling. So to be a good supporter our goal needs to be to create that space. This means that if we are going to speak, our words need to be used to invite our friend to express their feelings and thoughts. “Tell me about that”, “It’s ok to cry”, “I am here for you”, these are things that may be appropriate to say when speaking is appropriate.
